What Are You Running From?
I got really obsessed with a Lana Del Rey song this summer, off her new album "Lust for Life". The most beautiful and pared-down song on the album, "Change", has a line that always strikes me so strongly: "Every time that we run, we don't know what it's from/ now we finally slow down, we feel close to it."
Isn't that amazing? It gets at something so true for me. There's so much to run from: unpleasant feelings, fears, regrets, angers, sadness. But if we run from these things then we can't really look at them. We can't really understand them. We can only cover them up temporarily. And, yeah, this works in the short-term, but we all want to stop running at some point and just stay still, right?
I think this is part of the reason I can't sit still-- literally. I always have to be physically moving. Emotional truths and physical truths aren't so separate, after all. It's been really enlightening for me to look at the symmetry between my inability to sit physically still and my unwillingness to sit in unpleasant emotions. As Joanna DeVoe says, "Know thyself, Witch!!!"
ANYWAY. I found that lyric really profound. Now we finally slow down, we feel close to it. Like if we can get ourselves to stay still, to face what it is we're running from, then maybe we can feel closer to our own reality; not hiding or avoiding but embracing our real selves fully, even if it's painful. Hmmm. I freakin' love that lyric.
Earlier this week, I created a new two-card spread for myself, out of necessity. I had a rare day off, unstructured time to do with as I pleased. Mostly, it was wonderful. But then in the afternoon a familiar, low-grade despair set in, as it often does for me during unstructured time. I recognized it, but I didn't know what was behind it; I've never known. Usually I can cover it up really well with keeping busy. Creating arbitrary items on a to-do list and inventing errands are great temporary band-aids for that creeping despair. But they're just that: temporary. And I've been getting bored of the temporary band-aids. I want to heal on a deeper level.
So instead of covering it up I thought, Okay, I'm gonna face this head on. So I decided to pull two cards:
1) What am I running from or avoiding?
2) How can I stop running?
I laughed out loud when I turned over the cards for myself; they just rang so true. I really love the directness and conciseness of a two-card spread. It's much deeper than a one-card spread, but you don't get lost in trying to fit ten cards together. It's simple and to the point; it's a direct emotional truth.
I highly recommend this spread if you're feeling similar feelings of avoidance, and you just don't know what you're running from. It's a scary question to ask, but whenever I have to ask myself tough questions I try to remember that more information is always helpful. And answers are just information. Being armed with more information about yourself will only help, even if it's not fun information.
Now we finally slow down, we feel close to it. What a relief it is when we can feel close to ourselves instead of running from some part of us. I hope you find this spread as useful as I did!
And now I have some Lana to listen to...
Blessed be. xx